Life has a crazy way of not going the way you planned it. And God has a crazy way of giving you peace through the chaos. I had to learn the hard way that my plans can’t supersede God’s plans.
It was a perfect day in June when I (thought) met the man of my dreams and prayers. He was everything I had asked God for and more. We met on Instagram and although he lived in another state I was willing to make this work. So we talked on the phone and skyped before meeting a month later. The minute we first talk we went full speed ahead without consulting God truthfully. He traveled down a day before he said he would to surprise me with roses and a sweet love letter. I was so certain that I found my prince charming! We had the best weekend, but it wasn’t short of our share of arguments. About two months later we saw each other for the second time, this time I went to meet his family. I felt like his family and friends became a part of me. He made the decision to finally move to Atlanta Thanksgiving weekend. So I traveled back to his state to accompany him as he drove down to Atlanta.
Pause in the story quick lesson, before anyone makes a huge decision you both should pray diligently and ask God to speak past your flesh and emotions. When we left his house ready to make the trip to Atlanta, I asked him a question when we stopped to get gas before hitting the road “what is a secret no one else knows?”. He paused unsure as to if he should really tell me his darkest secret. But I explained that if we were going to become one there is no way we could keep secrets from each other. I’m not sure I was ready for this secret, the one he told me about that was a huge sin and could affect our relationship forever. But I thought nothing of it and felt that it was his past it would never happen again. Boy was I deceived. In our relationship we didn’t have any accountability we felt that we could do this alone.
Two days after moving to Atlanta he proposed, and at that very moment I stood there in shock in front of my closest friends and family because I was confused because it was all moving so quickly. I said yes but not one tear fell from my eyes. Not everyone will date for a year and I understand that, but for us it was moving way too fast. We had only seen each other twice! He made me question our relationship even more when he said he wanted to get married within a month. I started to feel like “well maybe he really just wants to marry me”. But when it was time for pre-marital counseling he didn’t really seem interested and expressed that no one should have a say so in our marriage.
I think at this point I started to push all red flags to the side and proceed with something I knew I was still questioning. His anger became a terrifying characteristic, but I would buck up (because I’m here for the thug life lol). So one day one of my God daughters (who is 13) was riding with us and she hadn’t spoken to him so he told her “I will choke you up and leave you on the side of the road”. I couldn’t believe it because I’m a youth pastor and always have kids around me so he knew I loved kids. On another occasion he screamed and told me how hard I was to love as his fist were balled. To add another I began to pay his bills and he stated that he wouldn’t have a job by the time we got married. Huh, ladies if a man is depending on you to provide everything, please question his motives. I owned the house, paid his bills, cooked and cleaned for someone who didn’t live with me. I was a girl-wife, someone who doesn’t have the full privilege of a wife but has the responsibilities of a wife.
One day my spiritual mother checked me. She asked me to really pray about this relationship because she, my senior Apostle and other spiritual leaders were both getting a check in their spirit. I sat there in tears because I really wanted to get married. I felt that I had said yes in front of so many people I couldn’t call it off now. I realized it wasn’t about everyone but about what God wanted (or didn’t want) for me. So I locked myself into my prayer room until I heard God. Well I really didn’t hear Him at this time but He showed me (like a movie) every red flag He was trying to warn me with. So at that moment I couldn’t hold it in and told my fiancé’ that I had to end our relationship. Of course he was mad but I had to do what God told me to do. He blamed it on everyone except acknowledging the face that God told me NO! It was so hard to contact each invited wedding guest (just a week after I sent the invites) and tell them the wedding was off (three months before the wedding).
When I spent those hours in my prayer room I asked God “what do I need to do to stop all of these heart breaks?” And in that moment God spoke so clearly, “that’s the problem you’re always trying to figure out what you can do, and not surrendering your love life to me”. I had a full conversation with God, I was like “naw God that’s not true, I’m waiting, I’m in church, and growing my relationship with you I have surrendered it”. He said “no, you know how to work for the car, the house, the degree, the job, but this you won’t be able to work for”. I was floored (like God had shut me up man). He was so right we can earn everything else but God has to bring us the right mate at the right time and we can’t speed the process up in any way.
You see, I had made marriage an idol and didn’t even realize it. You see I had the house, the car, the dream career and the degrees and felt like the “next step” was marriage. But God many times has a different timeline and checklist than us. If we would align up with what God wants for us we would be able to avoid many heartbreaks and failures.
We all have that 20 page list of things we want in our one day, perfect, heaven sent, knight in shining armor husband. Well maybe not 20 pages but you get the point. There are some deal breakers that are really selfish and some that aren’t deal breakers that should be. I felt that if my (soon-to-be) husband had a title in the church that he would be the “one” for me. But I’ve had my fair share of pastors, minister, pastor’s kids and all. Just know someone can still love God and be anointed without a title. God checked me on that “list” and told me to destroy it (now that may not be for everyone) because I was looking at this list a checklist instead of a guide to some things my husband should have. I also had to realize that God doesn’t send us someone who mimics us, but rather someone who compliments us. So just because he isn’t exactly what you want doesn’t mean he isn’t the best for you. Psalm 84:11 says, For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.
So I say all of that to say, really take some time and ask God (if you’re in a relationship) is this the person you would have me to marry God, show me their heart Lord. And if you aren’t in a relationship ask God to send you someone whom has the heart of God and character that would complement and challenge you. So I am praying for your journey and that you would live life on purpose for God!
Sabine – Thank you so much for being transparent and sharing your story with us! You have illustrated the importance to seek God prior to engaging in a relationship and trusting Him in all aspects of our lives.
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For His Glory Only,