I understand, in my own way, why David said “if it had not been for the Lord on my side…” So many have been through much struggle whether it be physical, financial, or academic. Those hurdles all require a certain amount of will power and dedication from within to stand. Some are easier to overcome then others. I think one of the biggest fights is the one from within. It was for me at least. I am born the first born of a renowned family. They were first generation preachers called and dedicated to ministry from the day they accepted the call.
I used to be pushed away from the circle in youth functions because I was the pastor’s daughter. At times conversations would cease when I came around and I would feel so left out and rejected. I didn’t understand my parents call and mantle at the time, but I do remember feeling alone whenever they went away. I was afraid to share my social setbacks with them because it would hurt them and make want to pull me out of youth activities in effort to protect me. So I never told them. I started to find myself and started bullying boys, I secretly liked them but didn’t know how to express it. That turned into fights and disrespecting teachers. One way or another someone in administration favored me and did not report me. Even in my mess, favor followed me.
I remember in middle school I had my first real crush.
Let me say this, there are mental and emotional collisions that happen in a young girl or a young man’s life that may be just as fatal as a head on collision between to vehicles. Their minds are shattered, hearts torn to pieces, emotionally scared. As I mentioned before, ‘even in my mess, favor followed me’, the word of God says that “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:17-20. Even when we may be in our darkest place in our minds, God is still near waiting for the moment you realize he never left.
So, my first crush was in middle school. I was so into him and he didn’t know it. I was too afraid to share it and allowed myself to fall into satisfying my desires by imagining what we would be like together. That led right down the wrong path. I began writing explicit poetry and had never read nor watched a second of sexual content. The devil found that emptiness, the hurt, the fear of rejection and silent cry for affection and gnawed at it. He began dating a good friend of mine after I told her how I felt about him. I had even asked her for advice on how to tell him. She betrayed me. We never got together because he abruptly moved back to his island country of Jamaica. I was heartbroken and devastated because though he never knew how I felt, he was my best and only friend. I was emotionally attached to him, now emotionally shattered. Those thoughts of worthlessness and low self-esteem began to lurk into my soul and I began to believe them. I started to believe that I wasn’t pretty enough and not smart enough. I had begun to believe that if I wanted to be with someone, I had to agree to be the side girl. I would never be #1.
I graduated high school and fell for my new crush. He was everything I thought I wanted. Boy was I wrong. Once again I fell for a boy, this time, he in a relationship. The enemy entertained my deep cries for affection and for someone to just touch my soul. Listen, during all this, I was active in my church functions. I had been serving in worship team and working in youth functions. But I must say that I had not yet met with the true and life changing love of God. Not everyone that seems like they have it all together really do. This is where we can miss the mark and never hear the cries behind the bars of teeth of a fake smile.
I must say that my family was always loving and supportive. They did all they could and beyond to show us all (my three siblings and I) as much love and acceptance. It was the emptiness from so long ago that had dug a hole deep in my soul. Caused by social rejection and name calling and struggling with my weight and so many other factors. They had all served as the perfect target for the enemy to try and destroy my future.
This young man and I began dating, and yes, I was the side chick. He touched my insecurities and told me all the right things. He said all the things I wished a man would whisper in my ears from the first sensual poem I had written way back in middle school. I was convinced he was the one. Not only did he touch my soul, but we began to grow intimate. How devastated I was to have fallen so deep, but I was in too far I couldn’t muster up the strength to get out. I was bound and had no idea how to get out of it. The more we saw each other the more my heart and soul was chipped away. He had me. He owned me. I was his and I was bound.
That’s where the enemy tries to capture us. He accelerates us into self-destruction by creating as many opportunities that can tear us down. Notice I said “tries”. The devil tried to imprison my thoughts and forced me to fall into depression and self-condemnation. But God stepped in! My parents sensed the pain and the spiritual warfare and jumped right in to defend me. I will never forget that in a Sunday morning service they stopped church as usual and called a 911 prayer session. They wrapped me up in a white sheet and my mother and father laid over me and prayed me through! The elders and pastors all prayed. It was so powerful and that was my hour of deliverance. About three years of fasting and prayer and building my character and faith in God, I was released and was called out to different preaching engagements. My sound was ready to be heard. I had collided with my destiny that day. I found my identity in God. I was free! No long bound.
God will place people in your life to rescue you from you. Some of our biggest struggles are in our minds. The enemy tries to attack where we are most vulnerable because he knows that that is where my emotions and intellect and will power lies. He makes sure he plants the idea that even our loved ones will never understand and so we pull away. But, if we trust in the Lord we won’t faint. God will help us at break of day (Psalm 91).
I want to encourage a young lady who has had an emotional wreck. You are about to have a collision with your destiny. If you are reading this testimony, you are at the right place at the right time. I collided with my purpose that Sunday morning wrapped in a sheet. I found love and saw the very face of God. He told me he loved md and his love was far beyond the touch of any man. God’s love touches deeper than the soul, it is eternal! I say just as Paul said, I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love! (Rom. 8:35-39) I share that same love with you and hope that you too will collide with his love, collide with is grace. When you least expect it, when you have lost control of this vehicle called life - God is right there ready to smash all those pieces back together. You are not lost, as a matter of fact God has been right there with you all along. Trust him to reach out to you right on time!
He did it for me, he will surely do it for you. I found Jesus and now Life is Beautiful. Collision with Destiny.
Jerielle - Thank you so much for sharing your story! We appreciate your words of encouragement!
For HIS Glory Only,